CA Sisterhood Sessions (00:00)
forgiveness, my friends, is not something you can fake.

back to Challenge Accepted Sisterhood Sessions. I am your host, Samone and thank you for joining me for another session. If you are new here, welcome to the Sisterhood. We appreciate you tuning in today.

Today is all about the forgiveness challenge. Yeah, you heard that right. Stay on, stay on, it's going to be fine, stay on. When we hear the word forgiveness, people often cringe.

They roll their eyes in the top of their head and get a little frustrated with the expectation of forgiveness. Many times, people are unwilling to walk through true forgiveness. And when I say many people, it is a very broad statement. Myself, I'm included in that. There have been times in my life

where I believed that I was walking in forgiveness. given people the opportunity to make things right. I have given people the opportunity to acknowledge what was done to be accountable for past behaviors.

and to be different. But the more I did my research on forgiveness, the more I began to really dig into forgiveness, what I learned was that wasn't really the right approach to forgiveness. Shocker, I know.

And I know that there are many people out there that have walked the same path as me. That you believed That you were walking in forgiveness wholeheartedly. That you have given people space to change their behaviors that may have been annoying or offensive to you. That you had allowed

people space to be their authentic selves. And then you find that everything the individual is doing bothers you.

talk about the impact of unforgiveness. Because I think that matters

You can tell when there is unforgiveness. And one of the giveaways of unforgiveness is when that offensive behavior or that annoying, repetitious behavior begins to torment you.

It bothers you mentally and it's relentless. You're not just thinking about it when the person communicates to you directly. You're thinking about it when other people mention this person or bring that person up in spaces.

You're thinking about it when you come in contact with strangers and their behaviors remind you of the offense.

the impacts of unforgiveness is it affects your health, not just mentally, but emotionally, and sometimes physically. Seeing that person physically begins to bother you, harboring

unforgiveness impacts your relationships. Yes, negatively impacts your relationships. You cannot be authentic in the same space with those individuals. You cannot appreciate the person who committed the offense. being their authentic self.

You cannot see past or through the offense because it is bothering you and playing on repeat every single day. Now the other person is living their life unbothered by you being bothered by something that they may have said or did

But we oftentimes, when we are the ones who feel like we have to give somebody forgiveness, or we are the ones responsible for extending the olive branch, we harbor

it every day. We harbor that we had to carve out specific time in our day to tell you about behavior that impacted us when we believe you should have known better.

Forgiveness is not based on the individual committing the offense. It is not based on their acceptance of us extending them forgiveness. It is not based on them taking accountability for their behaviors.

Forgiveness is not based on the other individual. It is based on us because something offended us, something bothered us, something annoyed us. And so we have to get to the root of why it bothered us. Why did it annoy us? And why is it a thing that we want to continue to hold on to?

If any of the things that I have just mentioned sounds familiar, sister Come here. Yeah, you've been operating in unforgiveness. Friends, come here. You've been operating in unforgiveness. It's okay. No judgment here. This is a safe space.

to really truly understand forgiveness in this space, I think we have to give it a definition. We have to define it. So that anybody that joins this podcast or anybody that is listening, no matter where you are listening from, I wanna make sure that we are all on the same page.

Forgiveness is a deliberate decision to release a person from the offense. I know that's tough because we want them to be accountable. We don't want to release them from the act. We don't want them to get off free without any

consequences We want them to acknowledge

how their behavior has landed on us. And we want them to know it. And we want them to tell us to our faces that they are sorry. We want them to tell us to our faces that they're not going to do the same behaviors ever again in life. We want them to say that I recognize what my behaviors have done to you.

and I recognize the negative impact that my behavior has had on you. And I am so, so sorry that I have landed on you in this way. How can I make it better? What do you need me to do? That is literally what we're looking for from people. Yeah, that's, that.

In a nutshell, is what we are looking for from people when we are talking about walking through forgiveness. We're talking about the clear accountability, the acceptance and ownership of what you have done wrong and how it has impacted me. And making a decision collaboratively to walk through it together.

And I know that you know you're never going to do that behavior towards me ever again. That's what we're looking for. And I'm going to tell you something that's going to hurt. Forgiveness is not earned by the individual who committed the offense.

forgiveness is not earned. There is there is not an action.

or behavior that a person can show you to make it worth your while to forgive them. You want to know why? Because you're not going to believe them. Because the offense is going to continue to run through your head and torment you. Because You're always going to think that you are the butt of an inside joke that they have.

You're always going to think that they owe you something. When you think a person has to earn your forgiveness, you treat the relationship very transactional.

You did this to me and I want this from you. I want this from you. I deserve this from you. And that is not how forgiveness works. Forgiveness is not dwelling on and continuing to bring up the offense. if

Every time you text that person, you call that person, you see that person, there is some gathering of any sorts, or there is spaces, work spaces, social spaces that you have to engage with this individual that you feel has intentionally tried to sabotage a moment,

you, your goals, your dreams, your visions your mental health and well-being. If you are continuing to bring that up every time you see that person or you dwell on it and you hold it like a cloak or badge of honor, it's problematic because that's not forgiveness. It's not.

And you can say a million times that you forgive a person. I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you, that's not a big deal, I forgive you, I forgive you. And in the back of your mind, you're like, the audacity. I can't believe.

They had the nerve. so you just gonna act like, you gonna act like that we ain't going through filling all the blanks. That is not forgiveness.

saying it and walking out forgiveness are two different things. Forgiveness literally abandons, vengeance.

Because if you have a desire to get back at a person for whatever they have done, whatever the offense is, and it could be a spouse, it could be a friend, it could be a loved one, it could be a family member, it could be a church member, it could be whoever, fill in the blanks. But if you have a need to get back at, my friends, that is vengeance. That is you seeking your own

justice, you seeking your own retribution for the offense that has been done unto you. That is not, and I repeat, is not forgiveness. Forgiveness also abandons the need for resentment towards another person, towards that person.

and I don't care what spaces you are in, we all have had that person. And some of you have had them people. I know.

So this is not, forgiveness is not a new concept. But seeing it through this lens of not being vengeful or having resentment towards that person every time you see that person, your blood boils.

Every time you see that person, you rolling your eyes. You're taking heavy, breaths and sighs. You gotta give yourself a pep talk before you get to the location. You gotta say a prayer before you pick up the phone call.

It is abandoning bitterness. Bitterness.

It is abandoning the need to have an attitude every time you see that person. It is abandoning the desire and the need to tell everybody else how that person has done you wrong or offended you.

This is who you are because that is how you treated me. And I cannot hear.

any of the other good qualities or characteristics that you may possess because they don't matter. The offense matters. You not acknowledging the offense matters. And so it doesn't matter if you're great and spectacular and wonderful in all these other areas because the only lens that I see you in is the offense.

I can't cheer you on and give you other accolades and give you your kudos and see you as a

positive influence or whatever the case may be. can't see any of those things because my judgment is clouded because there's an offense that is separating us. There is an offense that I am intentionally holding between us to ensure that you stay on the other side of this offense until you have operated in such a way that I am now willing to remove

the divider that I have placed there.

walking in forgiveness is essentially an act of love.

When you equate forgiveness with the act and expression of love, it makes you stop what you have been doing. It makes you want to put things into a different type of perspective.

I cannot say I love this person who has offended me if...

I am walking in unforgiveness. am holding intentionally the divider that keeps us separated. That I am intentionally making sure that any way they try to get around the divider, I'm there to remind them of the offense. I'm there to show you who you have been to me.

Why does forgiveness matter? Why are we even talking on the subject today, sisters? Why is this even relevant for us today? I want you to hear this. It matters.

because you and I, we have been forgiven. It's why it matters.

We have been on the other side of offense Where we have been the people doing the bad behaviors. Where we have been the people walking outside of our character.

And we have wanted others to forgive us. And we have wanted others to see the good in us.

We've required grace.

The size of the offense doesn't matter. We have all, at one point in time, been on the other side of offense, where we needed the forgiveness of somebody else

I'll make it even better. For all my believers, God has forgiven us. We have been forgiven. Therefore, we are mandated, commanded to forgive others. Yeah, let that sink in.

If you are going to walk in true godlike characteristics, forgiveness is not an option. It's not optional. Forgiveness is not when you feel like it. It has nothing to do with your emotional connection to the offense or to the person. Forgiveness is not based on

Well, I like the person today. They did real good today. So they can have my forgiveness today. But tomorrow, uh-oh, uh-oh, that same bad behavior is peeking through. I can't forgive you today because what you just did reminded me of the time. Forgiveness is not based on whether you hot today, cold tomorrow, lukewarm. It doesn't matter. Forgiveness is a mandate.

You do it because you have been forgiven. It's expected because you have been forgiven. It has nothing to do with the individual. It has everything to do with the person who has been offended. It has everything to do with me. It has everything to do with you.

And some of you have been navigating relationships where unforgiveness is very prevalent, where unforgiveness is very noticeable, where unforgiveness is the cloud, is the cloud that hangs over every experience, every interaction, every event, every gathering. It is the cloud that is hovering in your life.

Some people are still walking in unforgiveness. This may be a revelation to some people regarding forgiveness. Regardless of where you are at this is beneficial.

We have all said at one point, ugh, I don't need to do that. Ugh, here they go again. right? We have all found ourselves at a time of unforgiveness. I'm good at that. ⁓ I forgive everybody. I love everybody.

And then when you're by yourself, you're in your silos, you're in your quiet spaces, in your quiet moment, unforgiveness knocks at your door. It reminds you that you're still holding on to a thing. You're still holding on to a person. You're still putting that person in a box. You're still holding that person accountable to something that they have probably moved past that they are no longer even thinking about.

We've all been there,

But it's okay because there are ways for us to actually walk out forgiveness intentionally. Yes, there are ways. There are ways. I'm going to give you a few here. Walking in forgiveness

needs to start with the understanding that you have been forgiven. And the next step in forgiveness is making the intentional decision to release the person of the offense. Yeah. Yeah. Open your hand and let them out.

because you holding them captive by the shirt. You know how you used to be held up in your collar like that. That's how you holding them to the offense. That's how we have been holding people to their offenses, straight by the collar. And I'm not going to let you be released by it, walking through the steps of forgiveness, open your hand five, just pry them open. I'll wait.

Are you done yet? You still working? I got to give you the rest of the steps. OK. Let me give you the rest of the steps, but you got to let the collar go. you cannot dwell on it. And you cannot consistently bring it up. You have to be willing to release it and let it go.

acknowledge God that offended me that hurt me and I am ready to move on I'm ready to move past it and I release them from this offense and help me treat them accordingly my god help me treat them according to forgiveness

the next step is being okay. Being okay with a person not doing anything, to show you or prove to you.

that they are worthy of your forgiveness. You have to be okay with that. Forgiveness is not needing an explanation. my goodness. Forgiveness is not needing an explanation. I don't want to know why you did the things that you did because you're not accountable to me. You're not. Who am I?

Just little old me, just little old Samone. You're not accountable to me. There's somebody bigger that you're accountable to, and it's not me. So you don't owe me an explanation for treating me or offending me the way that you did. And I cannot hold you to the responsibility of proving to me that you are worthy of my forgiveness. Could we imagine?

Imagine if God held us to that standard.

of proving our worthiness before we were able to get forgiveness, proving our worthiness before we were even considered.

proving ourselves worthy before forgiveness would even be considered?

I want no parts of that.

My commitment, I'm going to forgive because I have been forgiven. I'm going to walk out steps to forgiveness because I have been forgiven. My, my, my. the next step is choosing to abandon the need or the desire to be vengeful, to operate in resentment.

and to harbor bitterness towards that individual.

Yeah, no get back ats, no, did this so I am going to do this. No eye rolling when I see you in spaces and events and gatherings and wherever we may be or our paths may cross.

I should give the same energy to the person who has offended me as I would an individual that has never offended me, that has never committed any offense towards me.

Forgiveness requires some growth,

you either got it or you don't. You either fakin' it or you actually got it. And forgiveness, my friends, is not something you can fake. Because if people know you, like really know you, they know when you are not being authentic. They know when you are painting on a pretty face and a smile and the social laugh

The social giggle. People know when you're not being your authentic self. It shows. Unforgiveness shows. The last step is having a willingness to operate in love. And not just the overarching goal of loving your neighbors as yourself or loving a

those around you as yourself, it is ensuring that your actions and the act of love is evident.

And don't take this as I'm telling you to go right now and get into somebody's face What I'm saying is if there is something in this podcast that resonated with you and it showed you something about yourself, or it shined a light that unforgiveness is operating inside your life,

then I implore you to take the forgiveness challenge and walk through the steps that I've just outlined, ensuring we are understanding that we have been forgiven. that we are releasing the person from their offense, and understand that there is nothing a

person has to show us or do to prove that they are worthy. That we understand we need to abandon the need and the desire to be vengeful to be resentful, to operate in bitterness as it relates to the person who committed the offense. And that we...

Make an intentional decision to operate in love. Those are the steps to forgiveness. And if you don't quite have the steps down pat just yet, that's all right.

I want to hear if you are up for the forgiveness challenge. I want to hear if you have been operating in unforgiveness and the light bulb just came on. I want to hear from you. Drop a comment below, depending on the platform that you're on. Shoot me an email,

Samone@casisterhoodsessions.com I want to hear from you. How have you been walking in forgiveness?